Variety Distribution released The Last Shark in the United States on 2 April 1981.

This film is a variation (or parody) of Jaws. But that was not acceptable to Universal Pictures. So when the film came to the US, Universal sued the producers. and eventually got it banned. And it is ridiculous! There are many similarities. But the producers do not plagiarize Jaws. In fact, the plot itself is quite different. Everything else is an allusion.

The Last Shark is a response to Jaws. Almost everything in the film comments on it. Some are just tropes that don’t matter. For example, the mayor who cares more about his career than the people he represents. But in Jaws, his bad decision humiliates him. Here, the shark eats him!

Or the shark that eats through the netting. A buoy gets attached to the shark. So it is just like the barrels in Jaws. But only one scene uses it.

But what is this all about? Universal released Jaws in 1975. By 1981, it had made its money. But as I have long said: if a corporation could make a penny by shipping a million jobs overseas, they would do it. The question is whether we as a society should accept that. Currently, we do.

The Last Shark is a perfectly respectable monster movie. But as meta-cinema — as a film to watch in the context of Jaws — it is wonderful. The two films would make a great double feature. But the Rentier Class (which totally controls our courts) doesn’t want to allow this. Rather than let art run wild, they think it is more important for rich people to make every cent they can from their investments.

I will admit one problem with this film: Lucio Fulci should have directed it. It would have included the gore this film is sadly lacking. This is why, websites like OK.RU are so important. Watch!

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The Last Shark (1981) poster via Wikipedia under Fair Use.

Jonathan Haze was born on 1 April 1929.

I had assumed that he died young. He was in a bunch of Roger Corman films in the late 1950s and early 1960s. And then he mostly disappeared. But he only died a year and a half ago — at the age of 95.

If you believe Wikipedia, you would think that Haze was just working at a gas station when he was discovered. But back in 1998, Psychotronic Video interviewed him. He was pushing 70. And his memory wasn’t great. For example, he claimed, “[Buddy Rich] led Woodrow Wilson’s inaugural parade…” Well, Rich was born in 1917. And Wilson’s second inaugural was over 5 months before that. Still, that’s the kind of thing people mess up. He might have meant Warren G Harding, which would make sense based on other things Haze said.

Regardless, in the interview, we learn that Haze was active in theater in his hometown of Pittsburgh. And he specifically moved to Los Angeles to act. He did indeed get a job at the Tide Oil Company gas station on Santa Monica Boulevard. And he did indeed meet “little guy” Wyott Ordung (but Haze refers to him by his middle name, Barney). Ordung wrote the screenplay for Robot Monster. But at the time, he was directing Monster from the Ocean Floor, and he cast Haze in a small role.

That film was the first one that Roger Corman produced. And it started a long working relationship between Jonathan Haze and him. They made roughly a dozen films together. He played small roles in all of them. Except for The Little Shop of Horrors. Jonathan Haze is mostly remembered for this film. And why not? It’s a lot of fun! I think A Bucket of Blood is better. But the two make a great double feature!

After this period, Haze didn’t work a lot in feature films. He met Haskell Wexler in the late-1960s. The two of them did a lot of commercial production. Haze did admit to wanting to get back into acting. But it never really worked out. Hollywood is incredibly stratified. And coming back is very hard, even when people respect the low-budget films you made.

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Jonathan Haze in The Little Shop of Horrors via Archive. It is in the public domain.

The Golden Raspberry Awards held their first ceremony on 31 March 1981.

It will surprise no one that I hate this. And it sums up the film critic industry. But what is the point of talking about films you hate? For every bad film that gets reviewed a thousand times, there are hundreds of good low-budget independent films that no one has heard of.

The Golden Raspberry Awards do have one good aspect. They don’t criticize low-budget independent films. But this just highlights the opportunity cost of the whole thing. It defines these largely unseen films out of existence.

But it goes after plenty of films that are later re-evaluated as good. For example, they nominated Ishtar for three awards: film, director, and screenwriter. But it won for director. The idea that Elaine May wrote a bad screenplay is laughable. And we all know why critics hated the film. It committed the greatest sin a film can commit: it was a comedy with a large budget!

Heaven’s Gate got the same treatment. Michael Cimino won the award for worst director. And like with Ishtar, the reviews were more about its budget than the film.

The Golden Raspberry Awards are really just a gossip column in awards format. And I just don’t see the point. The judges seem to do little more than listen to what industry insiders are saying and then vote. They should retire it and use an LLM to give out the awards. It would at least be quantitative.

The awards are a parody of award shows — in theory. It they actually were, I would love them! But they are just the dark side of other award shows. They are conventional wisdom, just negative. But they could still be good, though. They could use their celebrity to highlight low-budget independent films. “Hey! These mainstream films suck! But you could watch this little gem instead!”

But no. I doubt the people involved are even aware that there is anything else.

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Golden Raspberry Awards via Wikipedia under Fair Use. Featured Image by karaokefanboy under CC BY-SA 2.0.

John Astin turns 96 years old today. He was born on 30 March 1930.

Everyone knows him for The Addams Family TV series. And shockingly, he is the last surviving actor in the main cast — after the early death of Lisa Loring, who played Wednesday Addams. He really does define the character of Gomez Addams going forward. While in the comics, he was more of a general conniving weirdo. But the TV show turned him into more of a Latin Lover weirdo. It’s a more compelling character — and very typical of the actor.

John Astin has had a great career, even outside of The Addams Family. For one thing, in the 1970s and 1980s, he directed a lot of TV. That included some Night Gallery episodes: “The House,” “A Fear of Spiders,” and “The Dark Boy.” The first of these is probably my favorite episode of the series. It haunted me for many years after seeing it as a kid. It still gives me goosebumps to think about it even today.

Astin also starred in three episodes of the show. Interestingly, he didn’t star in any of them (as was common among actors turned directors). He starred in two where (“Pamela’s Voice” and “Hell’s Bells”) he’s in Hell. And he has a small role in the excellent “The Girl with the Hungry Eyes.”

But as an actor, he got his first big break as the lead in I’m Dickens, He’s Fenster. It was one of those shows that probably would have been a big hit had it not been cancelled just as it started to gain an audience. Two years later, he created the role of Gomez on The Addams Family.

Despite creating such an iconic character, John Astin has largely not been typecast. He has played a wide variety of roles since then. He starred in Operation Petticoat in the mid-1970s. But mostly, he played guest roles on TV shows. And, of course, he played Professor Mortimer Gangreen in all the Killer Tomatoes films except the first. Here are links to all the films (except the last):

• Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988)
• Killer Tomatoes Strike Back (1990)
• Killer Tomatoes Eat France (1991)
• Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: Organic Intelligence (2026).

But I’ll just embed the first episode of The Addams Family here:

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Carolun Jones and John Astin via Wikimedia. It is in the public domain.

Universal Pictures released The Birds on 29 March 1963 in the United States. It premiered in a small number of theaters internationally the day before.

I love The Birds. It was shot in and around Bodega Bay, which is near where I grew up. And when I was a kid, the whole family gathered to watch it each year when it played on TV. The film terrified me. And why not? As Ethel Griffies explains in the film, “I have never known birds of different species to flock together. The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn’t stand a chance! How could we possibly hope to fight them?”

Indeed. This film may explain my obsession with crows. But I know any self-respecting crow would never hang out with a gull!

The Birds features many great sequences. The best scene involves the jungle gym outside the schoolhouse. The structure is empty. But as Tippi Hedren waits and smokes a cigarette, she notices a couple of crows fly past. She turns and sees the jungle gym is filled with crows. It is a great jumpscare with absolutely no musical accent. All we hear is what we have heard: the kids singing “Risselty Rosselty.”

The film includes other great scenes like everything around The Tides restaurant. And the last half-hour of the film with the big bird attack.

But the film has lots of problems. The biggest is the whole romantic subplot. The principals have no chemistry on screen. And their interest in each other only makes them less likable. But most of all, it slows down the plot. The first bird attack doesn’t take place for 25 minutes. The next attack takes another 25 minutes. And the film is not well structured. Suzanne Pleshette dies off-screen! And, of course, since this is a Hitchcock film, it has to include terrible rear projection.

But okay. I know it is supposed to be suspenseful and a slow-burn. But when I watch it now, I skip the first 40 minutes. And I would skip more, but I love Pleshette!

Regardless, The Birds is a psychotronic classic. Everyone should watch it at least once.

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The Birds (1963) poster via Wikimedia. It is in the public domain.

RKO Radio Pictures released The Conqueror on 28 March 1956.

It is a CinemaScope extravaganza about the rise of Genghis Khan. Directed by Dick Powell, it does not disappoint in terms of battle scenes and spectacle. At the time of its release, John McCarten correctly noted, “You never saw so many horses fall down in your life.”

And if that were all? It is a well-made and fun old film. But it’s not. For some reason, John Wayne is Genghis Khan. Even without speaking, he looks silly with the Fu Manchu mustache. And he moves awkwardly, although I guess that’s part of his persona.

It’s when he speaks that Wayne is at his worst. Every character was apparently the same for him — be it Genghis Khan or Cole Thornton or the Ringo Kid.

It’s hard not to chuckle watching The Conqueror. Everyone else in the film can act. And then there’s John Wayne who sticks out like a Make a Wish kid whose dream was to play with the Harlem Globetrotters.

Synopsis

In it, Temujin (who will become Genghis Khan) basically goes to war because he has the hots for Bortai (Susan Hayward). He gets her quickly with a combination of bad tactics and overwhelming force.

Temujin’s mother (Agnes Moorehead) is unhappy about the “red-headed Jezebel.” (Yes, that’s actual dialog!) But then, no one is pleased. She doesn’t want to be there and is determined to cause trouble. His brother, Jamuga (Pedro Armendáriz), considers setting her free. (Jamuga is far more heroic in the film and believable as the Mongol leader.)

This is a great set-up for a tragedy, but we already know who Genghis Khan is. Add to that John Wayne and we’re talking major happy time by the end. Within 15 minutes after her capture Bortai is passionately kissing Temujin.

Cancer!

The producers shot many of the exterior scenes in The Conqueror downwind of the Nevada National Security Site, where they tested a lot of nuclear weapons. Many claim that this was the cause of such a large part of the cast and crew getting (and often dying from) cancer.

It’s not clear to me that this is actually the case. When people live long enough, they have a very high chance of getting cancer. It is true, however, that financial backer Howard Hughes thought he had effectively killed a bunch of people. He bought up all prints later and the film was not re-released until after his death.

What I think is most interesting is that so many people put themselves in danger for a film that mostly doesn’t work (at least as intended) because John Wayne never learned, or tried, to act.

Should You See The Conqueror?

The truth is that The Conqueror isn’t even good for people who like to laugh at films. There’s really only one joke. It’s a perfectly fine film. And then there’s John Wayne in the middle of it, messing everything up.

But it really should be seen!

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The Conqueror (1956) poster via Wikimedia. It is in the public domain.

Quentin Tarantino is 63 years old today. He was born on 27 March 1963.

I have criticized Tarantino in the past for plagiarism. But over time, I think I may have overstated the case. In particular, I recently lifted a line from The Happening for a screenplay I wrote. I didn’t need to do it. In fact, I think it should be seen as an inside joke. But that’s probably what he is thinking when he lifts lines from Charley Varrick and Eaten Alive.

I still think he overdoes it. And I think I am quite right when I say, “He makes a particular kind of art film that is clever and easily digestible by his upper-middle-class audience.” And ultimately, I’m more interested in hearing him talk about psychotronic film than actually watching his films. But he does make solid films. I think the quality varies. But he’s never made a bad film.

I like Quentin Tarantino most because of his support for psychotronic films. He was instrumental in getting Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond re-released. Now, I disagree with him slightly on this. Over the years, I’ve come to think that The Beyond is over-valued by fans. City of the Living Dead really is better. But it’s still great!

Hands down, Tarantino’s most psychotronic film is Death Proof. This is probably why people consider it one of his minor works — if not his worst. And sure, I have my problems with the film. It’s too talky. Of course, I don’t blame the man. He writes incredible dialogue. If I did too, I’d write more dialogue!

But what is more psychotronic than this? Make me hate a character; destroy him without mercy?! And I love that they don’t kill him. They turn him into the whiny little man he always has been. And it speaks well of Kurt Russell that he accepted this role.

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Image cropped from Quentin Tarantino by pinguino k under CC BY 2.0.

Strother Martin was born on 26 March 1919. He had health problems and died at only 61. But he was in a ton of movies — especially considering his short life.

Martin was a character actor. He actually had a broad range. But he also had a distinct style of speech that causes a lot of people to dismiss him as playing the same character over and over.

But I highlight him today for a different reason. He delivers the iconic line in Cool Hand Luke. And it drives me crazy! I don’t think I have ever heard someone quote the line correctly. It is always, “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.” But it’s not what he says! He says, “What we’ve got here is [pause] failure to communicate.”

The way he says it, you can easily hear an “a” in that pause. But I suspect that the real issue is that the last thing Luke says in the film is a mocking, “What we got here is a failure to communicate.”

The thing is, when quoting the line, no one says it like Paul Newman. Everyone means to quote Stroher Martin. They just get it wrong.

I’ve been a writer and editor most of my adult life. So I can be pedantic. But the difference between these two constructions is important. Martin delivers the line right after beating Newman for mocking him. Including the article makes the sentence apply to that specific interaction.

Without the article, the sentence refers to everything. The Captain is talking about the totality of the Luke character. But he doesn’t actually mean “communicate”; he means “obey.” And that is Luke’s pickle. Given his character, he must die — either spiritually by complying or physically, as we see in the film.

Regardless, it’s a great film. I love the epilogue where Dragline (George Kennedy) begins the process of mythology for Luke. Although, to be honest, I found this far more appealing when I was younger than I do today. Now, I tend to focus on the cruelty that Luke suffers.

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Strother Martin taken from still in Cool Hand Luke under Fair Use.

Sarah Jessica Parker is 61 years old today. She was born on 25 March 1965.

She’s a solid professional actor. But certainly nothing special. I’m shocked that she became a star. But that is hardly new for me. People make a big distinction between actors. But I just don’t see much difference between those making millions per film and those making Basic Theatrical Scale.

But I’m not highlighting her here because of her acting. She once did something, and it is almost unforgivable (not that she ever asked for forgiveness). As you probably know, she played the part of Dolores Fuller in Tim Burton’s biopic Ed Wood. And at some point, the production held a party with the filmmakers and surviving members of Ed Wood’s troupe.

Parker said to the real-life Dolores Fuller, “I just got through telling everybody that I just played the part of the worst actress in the history of film!”

The best I can say for Parker is that she was probably drunk. Fuller didn’t mention this. But drunk people are prone to say that kind of thing. Regardless, it is unacceptable.

Think about this: Parker was 29 at that time and Fuller was 71. What ever happened to showing a little respect to your elders? Or what about showing a little sympathy for the poor and weak? Currently, Parker is worth an estimated $200 million. She didn’t have that much money back then, but she was certainly very wealthy. What’s more, she was at the height of her fame. Fuller was doing okay, but she wasn’t rich, and she certainly was on the far side of her career.

Parker’s statement isn’t even true. I’ve never liked it when people say that Ed Wood was the worst director of all time. For one thing: it just isn’t true. But it is a hell of a lot more true than to say that Fuller was the worst actress ever. In fact, looking back at the films, it is clear that she isn’t a bad actress at all. She wasn’t a great beauty. Producers doubtless cast Sarah Jessica Parker for that reason.

But Parker knows nothing about how independent films are made. It is hard to be great when you are limited to one or two takes. And that is just the start of everything that these actors labored under: poor scripts, bad sets, incompetent co-stars, and much, much more. Parker couldn’t know what it is like to work in these little films, but should have known enough to shut up about it.

What annoys me most of all is that Dolores Fuller wasn’t primarily an actor; she was a highly successful songwriter. She wrote songs for Elvis Presley, Nat King Cole, Peggy Lee, and others. So to have this young know-nothing making a comment about one small part of the life of an older woman who was successful later is just disgusting. And learning that Sarah Jessica Parker acted this way has poisoned me toward all of her work since then.

Sarah Jessica Parker is still alive. Dolores Fuller died back in 2011 at the age of 88. Here is Nat King Cole performing the song “Someone to Tell It To,” which she co-wrote.

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Sarah Jessica Parker via Library of Congress. It is in the public domain.